Flaking out

I flaked out again today. I got a migraine and spent the whole day in bed with the exception of bringing and picking up Amelia at Day Camp.
This day camp is for gifted kids and she's learning German and photography. She said she hasn't learned that much about German, but is really enjoying the photography class! We got her a cool digital camera that is lime green and has a really big screen in the back and all kinds of stuff I don't know how to use, but she's learned or is learning how to use all of it!
I've really go tot stop having these migraines. I know its the stress, but I've got to get over it!
One of my friends sent me the lyrics to an old hymn "Standing In the Gap". She said she thought of that song everytime she thought of me so she sent me the words. Here they are:

Standing In The Gap
by Babbie Mason

I heard that you were hurting
That you were suffering pain
But I didn't dare just turn my head
And look the other way
For when your heart is aching
My heart is aching too
Let me help you bear your burdens
That’s the least I can do

I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone somewhere
Is praying for you
Calling out your name
Praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you

Right now you may be troubled
But everything will work out right
For the spirit knows before you speak
What is on your heart and mind
So I'll be interceding
Till you're standing strong again
Peace that passing understanding
Is gonna be yours,
But until then...

I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone somewhere
Is praying for you
Calling out your name
Praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you

So hang on my friend
It won't be long till
You'll have the strength
To carry on
For when two or three are walking together
It will be a much lighter load
For isn't that what a brother and sister are for?

I'll be standing in the gap for you
Just remember someone somewhere
Is praying for you
Calling out your name
I'm gonna be praying for your strength
I'll be standing in the gap for you

Isn't that beautiful? That's what we need someone to stand in the gap till we can pray again. I'm doing the same as I did when I found out about my brain tumor. I am in too dark of a place to pray right now so I've got people praying for us.
Will be calling about Amelia's therapy tomorrow. Hope everything works out.

At home

Amelia started her Day camp today. She's been too excited today and we've had to remind her to stop and take deep breathes and calm down. She's talking too loud and having trouble transitioning. She is listening to us, which is different from before.



I keep having migraines this week, I really wish it would stop. I haven't worked much this week because of the headaches. That gives me a headache, too. The weather has been changing and I get migraines when the barometer drops. The stress of Amelia's diagnosis I'm sure hasn't helped.



Amelia keeps grabbing me today. Grabbing my arm and wanting to hold my arm close to her. I guess I need to ask her about her feelings when she does this but, its so annoying all I want to do is get away from her! I need strength to remember what to do and forget about getting away from her. David, God bless him, tries to get her to let go of me, but she usually just holds on tighter. Sometimes I just can't stand it then I get very anxious and I have to get away from her to stop my heart from racing. It's a terrible existence, but it's my life and I hope someone is laughing, I'm not. Life is hard and sometimes its cruel.



I feel like my life is hard more than it is easy. I'm tired of trials. I want some of the good things in life. Right now it seems like way too much.

No more hiding

Just sent an e-mail to everyone I know to inform them of Amelia's diagnosis. I feel better. I'm not hiding anything anymore. It's hard but I know it's the right thing for now.

I'm kind of excited about all the therapy out there. There is Equine therapy somewhere close to here and Amelia will just LOVE that! She loves animals!! There's also Art therapy to help her express her feelings and Amelia is our little Artist! She is so talented!

Better go practice my music for Sunday!

Discharged

My daughter was discharged today from the hospital day program. Now the hard part starts. She will require Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, as well as Behavioral Therapy. I know I'm going to feel like a taxi service hauling her around.
I told my parents today and they took it better than I thought. I was surprised. She's still going to spend a week with them this summer so it will be a welcome relief.
I'm going to have to cut back on my job hours, since I'll be taking her here, there, and everywhere! I just want her to get better. I still can't pray about it. So I have others praying for us. I'm still so angry. But I have to take care of her. She is a gift from God and I am her custodian in this life. She is and always has been His. When she was baptized as an infant, David and I dedicated her life to Christ and His ways, not ours. I guess I'm mourning my "perfect" baby girl. She is "perfect" and God has a plan for her life and for David and I. It's very hard to understand, but Christ won't let me down. He never has.

Calming Down

I'm calming down a little from the diagnosis. I still don't want to deal with it. Dave and I went to dinner tonight and made up a list of behaviors that have to occur for her to live at home. I don't want her to feel abandoned. I can't go back to the way things were. I love her with all my heart and would give my life for her if someone threatened her. But I can't allow her to be abusive like she was. I really don't know how to handle her, though.

Just Diagnosed

My daughter was just diagnosed with Asperger's. I am devastated. We have had so much trouble with her behavior at home that I don't know that I have the strength or desire to deal with this. Is there anyone out there that feels this way? The social skills training is to be long and arduous. I am angry. I want a normal kid without all the drama. I am sick of her running our lives and now she'll be doing it again with us arranging our lives around her therapy, etc. I'm tired of it. It is not a relief to know this it is a burden that I don't know that I want to carry. Yes, I have a therapist, but that doesn't change my reality of having to live with this kid.